| You know that they are corny. You know that they are bad. But you know that you just CANNOT get enough of them! Yes, a Beth Orton gig would not be complete without a bad joke told. Below are a list of jokes Beth has told over the years but a piece of warning, you know only Beth can pass it off telling a bad joke. |
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| 01.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender ask: "Why the long
face?"
explanation: a horse has a long face. |
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| 02.
Man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing only cling wrap underwear.
Doctor says I can clearly see your nuts. - retold by laurab
explanation: "your" read "you're" |
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| 03. Guy goes to the doctor. Says he got some strawberries on his bum. Doctor says I got some creme for that. - retold by laurab |
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| 04. Why does the penguin walks softly? Because it can't walk hardly. - retold by sam (skelly500) |
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| 05.
Polo mint walks struts into a
bar, saying "I'm the hardest sweet around me, nobody messes with The
Polo..." Orders a drink and stands at the bar - looking hard! In walks a Strepsil, the Polo sees him and immediately dives into the toilets, looking a bit pale. After a while the Strepsil leaves, and a little while later the Polo looks quiveringly out of the toilet door, a Jelly Baby looks at him and says "I thought you said you were the hardest sweet around - why'd you quiver and hide when HE came in?" Polo says "Oh, I'm hard alright, but them Strepsils, they're Menthol!" - retold by Jeremy Bromley explanation: First of all a Strepsil is a Menthol "stuffiness clearing" sweet - Menthol, pronounced very similar to Mental (especially if you have a London accent, like Beth). Mental then meaning "a nutter, or slightly un-hinged person".... liable to break into violent behaviour.... |
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| 06.
A man and a giraffe walk into a bar. The man buys a couple of rounds of
drinks and the giraffe starts to wobble and finally falls on the ground.
The bartender says "Hey you going to leave that lying there?"
guy says "Its a giraffe" and walks out. - retold by tom latchford explanation: For "lying" read "lion". |
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| 07.
I'm feeling a bit chesty tonight, I guess you didn't notice though huh? - retold by
tom latchford
explanation: Beth doesn't have the largest chest in the world. chest=boobs. But chest also = having a bit of a cold or stuffed up in your lungs or something like that a little sick. |
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| 08. So there is a chicken and an egg. And the chicken is just givin' it to the egg - right up the ol' bum! (this comes complete with a bent arm gesture and a hilarious thrusting of her hips back and forth). There is shit all over the floors and blood on the walls. And the chicken is sittin back smokin' a cigarette and the egg says "Well that answers that question doesn't it?!" - retold by Lebette |
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| 09. A slab of tarmac sitting in a pub, mouthing off to the barman that he is the hardest, most solid piece of concrete in the bar, when suddenly another piece of tarmac with a white stripe walks in, and the slab hides behind his chair and looks scared shitless, the barman goes to him, "I thought you were the hardest, most powerful piece of concrete ever", and the slab goes "Yeah, but he's a cycle-path" - retold by alcoholic |
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| 10. What did the inflatable teacher say to the inflatable pupil in the inflatable school? "You've let me down, you've let yourself down, you've let the school down...." - retold by BluesBoyLondon |
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| 11. What does a mathematician do when he's constipated? He works it out with a pencil. - retold by pitch |
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| 12. A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, "May I help you, sir?" The duck says, "Yeah. Help me get this human out of my ass." - retold by alcoholic |
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| 13. A
man is on a plane and feels a call of nature coming so moves swiftly
towards the toilet, does what he does and then pulls the chain. So he goes
to wash his hands and all the bottons have strange labels on them (Must be
British Airways). So he decides to guess. Well luckily, he guesses correctly for the first time, pressing W and he gets a shower of water on his hands, so he confidently presses S, expecting soap, and thats what he gets. Next came D for dryer, same result. He notices a button with ATR on it, he is confused. So feeling exceptionally gifted and special, he decides to try his luck, just to see what happens ...... Anyway, three weeks later he wakes up in hospital, blood all over his nads and he can't feel his cock, so worried he asks the nurse what happened, and the nurse tells him the meaning of the button .... AUTOMATED TAMPON REMOVER - retold by alcoholic |
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| 14. What do you call a chicken in a shell suit? An egg. - retold by Phil |
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| 15. A man goes to his doctor and says 'Doctor, I think I'm shrinking.' The doctor replies 'I can't see you now, you'll have to be a little patient. - retold by Phil |
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| 16. What's grey and smells of curry? John Major's cock. - retold by Phil |
| email beth-lehem if you have more to contribute! back to beth-lehem |
